I will not talk in class

When I was a kid, I struggled in school. From kindergarten on, reading was always a challenge. As an adult I learned that I had dyslexia. Back then children were not diagnosed, so as far as I knew I just felt stupid. Because it was hard to read, I spent a lot of time daydreaming or talking in class. My teachers did not appreciate this about me. I often found myself staying in from recess to write sentences. I would be asked to write ‘I will not talk in class” 100 times.

This was not helpful on so many levels. There is power in our words, the teachers were right about that, just not the way that they had hoped. When I would be called on in class to answer a question, I would be silent, I was too afraid of saying the wrong thing. I was convinced that my words were not valuable.

My sister, she was the straight A student! We were just one grade apart, so on the first day of school I would hear; “oh, I had your sister last year.” My immediate thought would be “boy, are you going to be disappointed.” I often felt like I lived in her shadow. That little girl that was told not to talk, stopped talking, but I still wanted to.

When I got to the 9th grade, I took speech class to try to try again to speak up. I was so excited when I was selected to compete at a speech competition. I found out that I would be competing in pantomime! I was good enough to go, just don’t talk.

The summer before my senior year of high school I got a job at Six Flags. I was Bugs Bunny. I got to dance around and be goofy, but still no talking. When I got older, I went through a season where a barely spoke at work, and when I did speak, I would apologize. I would always say something and then I would say, “I’m sorry”. My friend at work asked me why I would apologize for speaking and I had no idea why. I began the process of trying to stop apologizing.

What I realized in recent years is that being in someone’s shadow had become my comfort zone. I had begun putting myself in the background. I spent 12 years in a verbally abusive marriage. When my husband would be yelling at me, I knew that when I spoke up to defend myself, things would escalate, so again I was silent.

The enemy tried to silence my voice from a young age. He used people and situations to convince me that my words did not have value, that they were not good enough, and I needed to apologize for them. But God showed me that the very things I saw as a weakness were the very gifts He wants to use.

What other saw as a learning disability, God wanted to use to make me a dreamer and a doer. He wants me to speak His name and His words so that others will see His glory. Moses wanted God to send his brother Aaron, he felt he was better qualified to speak. I have been guilty of doing the same with my husband Richard. I push him out front because I know he will do a great job! I am happy to continue to be in the background cheering him on.

A few years ago, I was at an event at Gateway Church. The prophetic ministry team came in to give us a “word in season”. I had never experienced this before, but I was excited to see what they would say. I did not expect to get a word for myself. After quite a few people received their word, Pastor Mark Jobe approached me. He told me that God wanted to “shine a spotlight on me” that I had “been in the shadows long enough”. He went on to say that God had “given me the gift of teaching me and wanted me to use it”.  I was blown away! God wants me to talk in class!

The thing is, holding onto those limiting beliefs had become my excuse for not stepping into the scary things. I was letting myself off the hook. When we believe for more, we will be called to move.

Today God has taken this dyslexic girl and made me a published author, a speaker, and the founder of The Brave Gathering for women. God knows the end from the beginning. Satan wanted to stop me from reaching women for God.

Is there a lie that you have accepted about yourself?

“…we take every thought captive to make it obedient to Christ.” 2 Corinthians 10:5

Maybe you need to write these words 100 times:

I am Worthy

I am enough

I am beautiful, smart, funny; whatever it is for you. Words are powerful! The world might have tried to convince you to not use the very things that God wants to use.

Look what God can do when we put our trust in Him. He can take what we or others perceive as a weakness and make it a gift. Do not count yourself out when God is just getting started.